Hello. Hey Rob, Steve.
Oh, hiya, how are you? Good, good.
Listen, are you free next week to go away? Where?
It's kind of a tour, tour of the North,
a restaurant tour, really good restaurants.
Right. Why me?
Misha can't come and I don't want to go alone.
I've asked other people but they're all too busy.
It's a job. I'm not asking you to go
on holiday with me or anything weird,
it's just for the Observer Magazine.
So, you know, do you want to come?
This programme contains some strong language
Have you noticed as you get older, older women... Yeah.
..seem more attractive to you? And younger women.
And younger women, you know. Women in general.
Well, yeah, but younger women cos of their life giving qualities
and older women just cos, you know, you appreciate personality more.
I thought we'd try and avoid the A roads, right, and go up the B6255
to Hawes, right? Then cut down through Ottershaw, Yockenthwaite,
Buckden, down the B6160 through Kettlewell,
then the B6265 through Grassington to Pateley Bridge, then up to Ramsgill from there, right?
Yes, Captain. Use the Sat Nav tomorrow?
The thing about Sat Nav, is you don't know where you're going, you've no sense of geography.
But it gets you there the quickest way.
It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
Ohhh!
Well?
Did you?
I meet women, I charm them, I seduce them, it's the aristocratic way.
Women are my windmills, I tilt at them.
I'm like a knight, a knight of old, wandering the land.
Don Quixote, yeah?
In a manner of speaking. A British Don Quixote.
Don Coogan, the Don.
Or Don Coogan,
Don Corleone,
Don Coogan, what have you got?
I like it. Very bad.
Just going to demist the windows, Rob, if that's all right with you.
You know that song, I'm Going To Write A Classic, Going To Write It In The Attic?
Adrian Gurvitz.
Christ, you know his name.
Anyway,
I think that song,
whilst it may well have been written in an attic, is by no stretch of the imagination
a classic. How do you feel about that?
You're going to write a song in the attic. I'm going to write a song.
I'm going to write a reasonably melodic,
ultimately disappointing...
But I am going to write it in the attic. Good song, but I will be writing it.
It's actually very defensive saying, you know, you can say
what you like about that song, right, you can say maybe it wasn't a classic.
OK, maybe it wasn't a classic, but you know something? I wrote it in a fucking attic. OK?
You try and take that away from me.
This is the room where Adrian wrote the song.
I mean, we've had it converted. I mean, in those days, of course,
it was very dark. There was no natural light.
No, and I think the wallpaper's very old. It was very old, yes.
There's a man there, too. It was very old.
Yeah we've got photographs.
I weren't here at the time, because we met after...
We didn't know whether to keep it as a box room, or actually
as a sort of guest bedroom, you know, for kiddies and the like.
Oh, I quite like the song, to be honest.
Oh, it's a classic.
See that there? That's a brook. Yeah. You know what's it's doing?
Babbling. Yeah.
The only thing that babbles is a brook and what else babbles? You.
No, no I ramble. I ramble. I ramble through the hills and occasionally at dinner parties.
They used to think this was a collapsed cave but this was actually
formed about 10,000 years ago by just traditional glaciation.
Well, a big block of ice, say a kilometre thick, would start
to melt and normally the water would find tributaries.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Look at that.
The limestone was too frozen for the tributary... All right, don't talk.
..for the rivers to find a way through.
Stop talking. Yeah, but as you say, it's a bit of information.
I don't want to listen to you all the time.
I don't want to listen to you all the time. I'm actually telling something useful.
I've been absolutely silent!
I'm telling you something useful about this! I'd rather you didn't explain.
I'd rather just look at it.
You're just annoyed because you don't know.
I'm not annoyed, I just want to look at it! Just be shush.
OK, all right. Yeah, I never thought you'd tell me to shush, honest. Wow.
"Five years have passed...
"Five summers with the length of five long winters and again I hear these
"waters rolling from their mountain springs with soft inland murmur.
"Oft in lonely rooms, mid the din of towns and cities,
"I have owed to them in times of weariness, sensations sweet."
You know where that was written? Tintern Abbey, Wales.
I know, that's why I asked you.
"Oft, in lonely rooms, with the din of towns and cities,
"I have owed to them in hours of weariness."
Spoiling it, you're spoiling it. Why do you have to do it in that voice?
Come on, let's head on up. Where?
Up there.
Serious? Yeah.
No. Why? It's too dangerous.
You've just got to make sure you've got secure footing.
They've got hats and backpacks.
The backpack makes it harder.
I sometimes get like a fluttery heart, like an arrhythmic heartbeat and I've got it now.
I get it when I'm stressed. All right. Well, I'm going that way.
I'll be about a couple of hours, all right? How long?
Two hours. Two hours?
Yeah. If it gets to three, then mountain rescue.
If you break your leg, don't come running to me.
Ha, ha, very good.
Steve!
Be careful!
Afternoon. Good afternoon.
Lovely day. Beautiful, yeah.
Absolutely superb. No, it's magical.
Yeah, we're very fortunate today.
Have you been around this area for a while? Yeah, I'm aware of...
Are you? Oh, that's excellent, you know about the limestone a wee bit, without being clever.
So you'll know that it started off life in the Bahamas, somewhere along that sort of latitude.
Land mass was part of Avalonia.
That's right, yeah, yeah. Which had joined onto Laurasia, of course.
And world famous Malham limestone pavement, I suppose you would describe it. Yeah.
And Malham Cove, it's in many, many textbooks.
Yeah, well aware of it. And photographs, tremendous.
The only disadvantage with limestone, although very hard rock,
road wearing and all the rest of it, coarse based stuff...
Yes. ..it dissolves in weak acid and the acid derives from water,
rainwater, which combines with carbon dioxide in the atmosphere
and then the rain falls onto the limestone, which is calcium carbonate, and the features
that we're looking at, these linear features, began as basically cracks in the rock as it lithified.
That's right, yeah. And, of course, they dissolved into the width that we see today, as have,
not only the longitude ones, the east, west ones.
Same thing.
But the features on the surface are indeed very famous indeed.
You'll see a number of these little potholes. Oh, yeah.
They are water solution holes.
Brilliant, yeah. Known as runkarren.
Yeah. And the long features on the surface are the rillenkarren. Now just now.
Fantastic. It's fascinating stuff.
Yeah. OK, I'll be on my way, thanks.
Righto. Cheerio. Bye.
There we are. The York Arms.
Wonderful. Wow.
This is your room, sir.
Oh, beautiful, yeah, that's lovely.
The bathroom's just over there. Yeah.
Oak, nice oak.
If you need anything, we'll be in reception.
OK. Can you get phone reception round here?
No, sorry, but if you go round the lake, you can have some reception there.
Great, lovely, OK. OK.
Hello. Hey, hey.
Where have you been?
I called you four times last night, you didn't call me back.
I know, honey. Listen, look, well these restaurants that you picked are
great places but the phone reception sucks, it's really bad.
Have you been doing drugs?
No.
No, of course not. You know where I am right now? I'm in a field.
I mean it's a very beautiful field, really gorgeous
but, you know, I can't really enjoy it. I'm with a short,
Welsh man who does impressions, it's not fun.
So are there lots of pretty northern waitresses up there?
No, there's no beautiful northern waitresses.
They're all Spanish or Polish or from somewhere.
Great, so they're beautiful Eastern European waitresses up there.
Yeah. Well, yeah. Listen, you're the one who said we were taking a break,
so, you know, what do you expect?
Does that mean you've been with other girls,
because we're on a break?
I wish you were here. You could have been here with me.
Yeah, I know. You chose not to be.
Well, you know where I am. You can come and see me anytime.
Oh, Christ.
Look at the time, got to go, Steve.
Hope you get reception again sometime soon.
OK. All right, yes, thanks. Bye, baby. Bye, bye.
OK, bye, bye.
Cor!
Cor! Cor!
What is that, a sonar?
Cor!
Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor!
It's got to be, "Cor!"
Cor! Cor!
Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor!
Cor!
Cor! Haaa! That's sonar. You sound like a submarine clearing its throat.
Sound like a Scouse submarine.
Cor! Haaa! Gentlemen, have you...
Hello. ..decided what you'd like?
Could I have the
souffle start and then the lamb, please?
Of course. Thank you.
The tuna followed by the cod, please. And then the cod. Yes.
Lovely, thank you very much. I'll take those for you.
Thank you very much.
OK, thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, do you know that ABBA song,
that Winner Takes It All? Oh, yeah. The reason that song has so much pain is because he wrote
the words for her to sing
about their break up, but he wrote the lyrics from her point of view.
♪ I apologise
♪ If it makes you feel sad
♪ Seeing me so tense
♪ BOTH: No self-confidence
♪ But you see
♪ BOTH: The winner takes it all. ♪
It's a bit presumptuous that he's
saying that she has no self-confidence.
She might say, "But wait, I have plenty of self-confidence, I'm just sad about the breakdown. ".
One souffle, one tuna away, please.
♪ I don't want to talk
♪ BOTH: About things we've gone through
♪ Though it's hurting... ♪
All the S's are high, like,
♪ Though it's hurting me
♪ Hurting. Now it's history. Hurting.
Don't make it like the Chef from the Muppets.
♪ Though it's hurting me... ♪ Herde, gerde, gerde.
He was Swedish. He wasn't in ABBA.
♪ Now it's history
♪ I played all my cards. ♪
Now you sound like the Nazi from Inglorious Bastards. Who I look like?
Yes. # Now it's hurting I played all my cards. #
Now it's hurting me and now I'm going to kill some Jews under the floor.
MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISES
That's what you've done, too. That's what you've done, too.
The winner takes it all, Mr Bond.
Come, come, Mr Bond, the winner takes it all.
Come, come, Mr Bond, you enjoy playing all your cards just as much as I do.
When I play my cards, I play for Benny and Bjorn.
HE LAUGHS
I found the song quite moving.
Would you like to come through to your table?
Thank you.
One tuna, one artichoke, one onion tart.
Thank you.
Thank you, oh, look at that, souffle.
Mm, that looks.
Wensleydale souffle, toasted grains, tomato and vanilla.
Wensleydale? Wensleydale souffle. Cracking cheese, Gromit.
And the sea tuna with tartare of vegetables. Thank you.
Thank you very much, enjoy, thank you. You like that?
If he found that amusing then I despair.
Mm. Tuck in.
Ahh!
That's gorgeous. That's lovely.
What's that like, what flavours are you getting?
It's almost like sort of, the texture of the tuna is extraordinary, there's no softness.
Can I say something, can I give a comment and then don't take this the wrong way?
Yeah, yeah. I'll decide how to take it but you go.
You're struggling.
You struggle to find words to describe tuna, right?
And you've gotta find 600 words, so what I'm saying is what Yolanda
was saying about making it more quixotic,
write about the people, your adventures.
Write about Yolanda.
I don't want to write about that...
Change her name, change her name. Write about the Polish girl at Whitewell, what was she called?
Magda, Magda. Magda, Magda and you could even invent something about this one here.
Can you give me peas and garnish for one lamb, and one fish.
That's your roast cod with truffle and spiced cauliflower.
The saddle of Nidderdale lamb with mutton pudding. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
All the most interesting people are
imperfect, it's their imperfections that make us interesting,
because within their imperfections and their, if you want to be judgemental, misbehaviour
lies getting to the route of the human condition. You know.
Like Elizabeth Taylor, Oliver Reed, Richard Burton. "What a piece of work is man.
"Form and being how express and admirable in action, how like a angel in apprehension, like in God.
"Oh, and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust?" Mm, from Port Talbot you see.
Yeah. You've got Hopkins, me, Richard Burton and Michael Sheen.
Four great...and I don't put myself in with Michael Sheen and Anthony Hopkins. That's wise.
No, I put us in with...
comedians with entertainers.
We? You're talking about we like we're the same.
Are you serious? There's a crossover but we are not the same.
Do you really think, Rob?
We're not in the same group as Michael Sheen, Anthony Hopkins and Richard Burton.
Straightaway, let me distinguish, I'm a triple BAFTA winning comic.
Comic, comic. Comic actor. Yeah, right.
I'm a triple BAFTA winning comic character actor.
Actor, right, yes.
You're a zero BAFTA winning entertainer.
BAFTA nominated. OK.
How many Oscars did Richard Burton win? Do you want me to tell you?
Zero. Zero. How many times was he nominated? Shall I tell you? A number of times.
Shall I tell you? Seven.
Yeah.
Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton.
The Port Talbot four. That's what we're known as.
Yeah. Really? Yeah. Michael Sheen.
AS DAVID FROST: "Hello, good evening and welcome."
We couldn't have done that the way that Michael does it, let's face it.
We could not have played... We? We?
Yeah, we're not the same, we're different animals.
No. We couldn't play those parts.
You're not the same as him, I'm more similar to him.
Well, why don't you do the sort of roles that he does?
Because no-one will give those roles to me.
I've got an albatross round my neck and it's got the face of Michael Sheen.
Do you try for those roles?
Yeah. Michael Sheen gets them all.
Michael Sheen's very good. Brilliant.
He's not brilliant, he's good, he's solid. Oh, no, he is brilliant.
I'm fucking brilliant.
Yes, but not in the same way.
Michael Sheen couldn't do what you do.
Michael Sheen couldn't play Alan Partridge, or Pauline Calf. All right?
But equally, you couldn't play David Frost.
Ah! I don't believe that you really believe that I couldn't play David Frost.
Of course you could play it, I mean bloody hell, the waiter could play it.
That's the point. But how well are you gonna play it?
Very well.
"Hello, good evening and welcome."
I mean Michael almost doesn't have to say the words, he can just go...
and you know what he's doing.
You were just jutting your chin out, I don't know what you were doing.
Mm, that's me. If Michael did it, people would go, fucking hell, it's David Frost.
Well, you know, I got down to the last two for Peter Sellers.
Yes, you did and on that count, as I've told you many times before,
you would have been better than Geoffrey Rush.
I was actually in that film, have I told you this? No.
I played Dustin Hoffman, seriously. Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar.
I have got the worst speech of Dustin Hoffman. Really? Yeah.
He says, and I learnt this right.
AS HOFFMAN: "I refuse to accept that I'm better than Jack Lemmon, than Peter Sellers, than..."
whoever else the other one was. He could have turned down the award.
He could have turned down the Oscar if he refused to accept.
Yeah all right, that's not the point. I'm just saying that I was in it and I got cut out.
You would have been very good. He's another one who fits into your theory.
He lived a very bad life.
AS INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU: Yeah, "Yes, of course, the phone, yes.
"Ah, yes, of course, the phone.
"I want your phone." Well, that's an approximation of... "I'm an
officer of the leeeer!". Yeah, I mean Inspector Clouseau was not really Peter Sellers.
"I want your leeeer..." AS PETER SELLERS: Peter Sellers
had a slight sort of nasal quality to his voice when he was speaking.
He tried to make it sound cultivated but he had a sort of Mid-Atlantic
sort of drawl that he'd perfected when he'd been in Los Angeles so much.
AS PETER SELLERS IN 'THE PARTY': Oh, are you going to the party now?
Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bump, bump, bump.
Please keep going. Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bump.
Goodness gracious me.
Can you just wipe down, please.
Special. Oh, wow, thank you very much. Look at that.
Thank you very much. A chocolate inverted comma.
You've got an ironic desert.
Thank you. Apple Breton with lemon sorbet and croque monsieur and your chocolate
desserts, a warm chocolate fondant, chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan and a chocolate caramel tart.
Thank you very much indeed. Could you have put any more chocolate?
Would you like some of that? Yeah, OK, yeah.
Good, isn't it? I'm sure people think we're gay.
Oh, I don't care. No, I don't either, I don't care.
"I don't know where you are, somebody get me out of here."
Who'd have thought that would catch on, hey?
Got an iPhone App with that on it now. Really?
Mm, haven't launched it, I'm about to launch it.
About to launch an iPhone app with your small man in a box. Yeah, Rob Brydon's small man in a box.
I'm not a good businessman, I'm an artist, I'm cursed to be
flawed in my business ventures but that's the lot of the...
Of the artist.
I can do funny voices, though.
I know you can. I can do my silly cartoon voice, hello, everybody.
That's a good one. My dad's Rob Brydon.
Welcome to the...
Well, I don't know what to say.
Gotta tell you that the food here is terrible and such small portions.
Sex without love is an empty experience, you know, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Yeah, sex between two people is a wonderful thing, between three it's terrific.
No, really, I enjoyed making love last night, it was the most fun I've had without laughing.
You know, they tell me my ex-Wife was violated in the street,
I said, "Knowing my ex-wife it was probably not a moving violation".
My mother-in-law came to the house, they said, "How do you wanna speak to her? I said "Through a medium."
That's Woody Dawson.
Sex between two people is a wonderful thing, between three
it's fantastic. Three is terrific.
Oh, yeah. I met my wife on the Tunnel of Love, she was digging it.
My mother-in-law said, you know, she wants to dance on my grave, I'm gonna be buried at sea.
Yeah, it's not as good as Les Dawson's voice.
The way he does it was better. It was, I think so.
But then I couldn't imagine him in Annie Hall.
No.
I'm having a hot chocolate, Stephen.
Times is golden. I opted out of the tea or the coffee.
For Ben's pals, now he's got stereo.
Rob, have you ever thought of doing a sponsored silence?
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you very much, thank you.
There you are, darling. Thank you. Because I talk so much?
Cos I think you would make a lot of money if you did, really.
Mm, thank you.
Right, give it to me gently.
Why are you laughing?
I just had a horrible image go into my head. £96.40. Really? Yes.
Considering this is a Michelin Star jobbie.
Yeah, and we had a fair bit of wine.
Yeah, I'm very pleased with that. That's right, yeah. Mm.
"Hello." Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
Yeah, I know your name comes up on screen.
Oh, that's good. Gonna cut to the chase.
I spoke to your mum, she told me what happened the other night.
"I was just with some friends,
"you know, it was only a drink, just having a bit of fun.
You can't do that. If you work hard and, you know, then you
can always, you know, enjoy yourself at the weekend.
But you've got to rein it in during the week. You have to, all right?
OK. How's the trip?
It's...it's good,
you know, it's...it's...it's...
it's kind of enjoyable.
Rob's been, you know, a bit of a pain in the arse but I tolerate him.
How long have you known him?
Rob? 11 years, something like that.
It's amazing.
"Is it?" Yeah, such a long time.
Yes.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
Yeah, he's a good friend.
"Yeah, I miss you."
Yeah, I miss you too.
OK, listen, I'll be back soon and we'll have some fun time together.
"Yeah." Constructive fun time, all right?
"Yeah." All right, listen, love you, take care and behave.
"Yeah. Yeah." All right, mate, see ya.
Hello, could I speak to the lady of the house, please? "Hello."
Yes, I hear your husband's away, I thought I might come round
and take you up the old
Dog & Duck.
"Oh, how are you?"
I'm all right. Were you awake?
"Yeah, Chloe's been crying a lot."
She's not ill, is she?
"No, no." Oh, right. Fine.
I am once again bottomless.
"But you never get cold being bottomless." No, I don't, I think of you and I just let him free.
I let him off the lead as it were, let him run round the car park,
in the hope that he sniffs up something interesting.
He's under there now, there's only a candlewick bedspread between.
"Oh, candlewick bedspread, that's not very sexy."
Well, there's a phone resting on him as well, so if the phone begins
to move, I'll know that you're weaving your magic as it were.
Oh, help me,
I'm small and I'm stuck in a box.
Come and help,
I'm trapped in a box.
I'm trapped in my box.
I'm trapped in a box.
Oh, help me, I'm trapped in a box.
Help me, I'm small.
Help me, I'm small and I'm stuck in a box, stuck in a box.
I'm small and I'm stuck in a box. What d'you mean? What's a matter?
What's happening? What's happening?
I'm small and I'm stuck in a box.
What's happening? What are we talking about?
I'm small like you, I'm stuck in a box, you know what I'm saying?
CARTOON VOICE: I don't care about silly voices. They're stupid.
Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD